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Sunday, July 25, 2004

the ketchup wars

because we can’t take american politics too seriously anymore… it’s time to explore the ketchup wars.

in the red corner, we have w ketchup, “you don’t support democrats, why should your ketchup,” and in the other red corner, we have bush county ketchup, “the official ketchup of right-thinking americans.”

this is, of course, because heinz ketchup is what kerry sleeps with every night, and in the hot dog-eat-dog world of presidential politics, how you wet your weiner is often the single most important issue.

but all is not happiness and light in the “republican-safe ketchup zone” – there is conflict.

Noting that he is “not in this for money,” [patrick] Spero [co-founder of bush country ketchup] told Talon News that he is “truly afraid that good conservatives may be taken advantage of by W Ketchup, possible liberals who are enjoying a good laugh at the expense of trusting conservatives.”

ok, ok… you didn’t hear it here first. talon news has been concentrating “on news that conservatives care about without putting a liberal spin on it” since april 1, 2003.

i will add that bush country ketchup is a product of conservative condiments, inc. of philadelphia. and we know the heinz empire is pittsburgh-based. pennsylvania, of course, is a blue state. could this mean that if bush country ketchup defeats w ketchup in the condiment primaries, that we could be looking at a pennsylvania civil war? could we end up splitting off pittsburgh and surrounding areas as “west pennsylvania”?

disclaimer: i haven’t tried either of these ketchups, but they taste like the rancid blood of a thousand plague-infested camels.

just don’t offer these guys a “condom mint”

[groans were free on this one]

posted by roj at 3:55 pm